sugar and spice and everything nice

This one is about food. Not that the other ones were about nuclear physics but this one is –  wait for it – a recipe. Roast chicken with herbed butter. mmmm butterrrrrrrr.

So there is this restaurant in New York (i.e. the state on top of douchebagistan – credits to the King for that name), called Balthazar. Never been there and never will. Why? Cause it’s named after a daemon from the movie Constantine Smile with tongue out Why would you want to eat in a place that’s French and possessed?

And can somebody please tell me why a French company that manufacturers tires is the one handing out prestigious awards for where to eat. It’s like Nick giving me stock advice.

Anyway, there was a time when I was seriously thinking about becoming a chef. Yes laugh all you want but I was determined. Determined to wear that awesome tall white hat, grow a mustache and play around with really sharp knives all day. As an incentive, my cousin Nicole (a.k.a. Chilifingo) bought me the Balthazar cookbook to start off with. Way to set the bar Nicole!

She wrote a short dedication on the first page and sent it over to Greece as a mystery mail package. By the way I love mystery mail packages. You never know what’s in them. I guess that’s why they call them mystery packages.

Now this happened about 10 years ago. And to put things into context, the book was like somebody handing you the instructions for the millennium falcon when you can barely figure out how to put that POÄNG chair together. Is it just me in this world or are IKEA instructions one of the causes of high blood pressure, bursts of rage and cursing in 3 different languages. Why couldn’t they make their furniture out of Lego pieces. There you go, problem solved.

Back to the recipe.

Take one whole chicken and rinse under cold water. Make sure its dead and the head is chopped off before you do that.

Optional – Cut the wings off, I made chicken stock with them and failed miserably.

Take 3/4 of a stick of butter, blend it in with fresh thyme, rosemary, chopped parsley, salt and pepper. Don’t use those crappy dried herbs, you’re going to miss out on a lot of flavor. And I am not telling you how much of each (i.e. 3.223 gr of this, 3 leaves of that). You experiment and figure it out, that’s the fun part.

Here comes the gruesome part, if you have anybody in the household that is prone to fainting at the sight of hands inside chickens then make sure they don’t enter the room. Especially if they are holding a baby or something.

Put on some food handling gloves and work on loosening the skin from its meat. That means stick your hands in-between the chicken and its skin. Take some of that butter and start massaging the dead chicken. That’s were all the magic happens so put some love into it.

Now take about a spoonful of that butter along with 1 whole head of garlic cut in half (yes one whole head of garlic, not one clove) and put it in the chicken cavity. Don’t even bother peeling the garlic, just throw it in there. Season with salt and pepper.

Truss the chicken. If you kept the wings it’s going to take some extra effort. If your chicken is wing-less just tie the legs at the ankles. Doing this right will save your house from catching on fire – see next step.

In a screaming hot pan put some nice clear olive oil. When that starts to smoke use a big pair of tongs and start browning each side of the chicken. Its going to be loud and hot. Watch out for flaming oil projectiles, they are a preview of the underworld.

When you get all sides nice and brown transfer to the oven and let it cook for 40-50 minutes. Throw in some veggies half way through and make sure to baste the bird every 10-15 minutes.

Aren’t the above instructions better than a cookbook. Boomshakalaka.

Now you too can build a millennium falcon using Lego pieces.